I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
