I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
