8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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