i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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