direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
