Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
