Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
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I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
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What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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