As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
