Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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