I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Randomize
