I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
