I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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