So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
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We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
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I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize