my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you didnt know i had herpes?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
