apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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