I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
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I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
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Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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