Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
