im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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