I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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