Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
