she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background