I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
