I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
