So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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