there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
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