I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
