my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
