Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
