Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
