Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
