I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
