I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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