Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
