I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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