Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
did i walk over a car last night?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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