Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
