I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
