i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
