saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
he's gonorrhea incarnate
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
