Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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