I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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