My sheets look like a crime scene.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
