He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
