apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
