God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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