you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
