my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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