We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
