You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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