i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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