Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
