apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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