sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
