i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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