i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
