i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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