It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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