obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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