i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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