An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
