I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
