just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
